Posts Tagged ‘alcatraz’

Lighting Observation #9 – Alcatraz of Emotion

1. 8AM March 28th 2012 In My Dorm room
2. I woke up to find a shadow of the window shades on the wall behind my roommates head.
3. Waking up. It is so difficult for me to wake up. Never going to bed is much easier for me to do(easier not healthier). When I try and wake up, whether I got 4 hours of sleep or 8, I feel a huge pressure on my chest as if someone where holding me down. I usually wake up but lie in bed for a while, thinking about the multitude of work I need to get done, which usually inspires me to get my lazy ass up! Not today though. I have seven papers to write, a design project that is nowhere near completion, a profile paper to write on abandoned houses (future lighting moment?) and I am planning an end of the year banquet. There is so much to do, yet no inspiration to get up. I want to get up but I can’t. As I say this in my head, I see my dad’s typical face of disgust. “Don’t say you I can’t!” he screams in my head. “You want to be a lazy son of a bitch? Then get the fuck out of college!” My father has very colorful language, even when he is in my head. I turn on my side, readying myself to get out of bed, when I see a shadow coming from the window shades.
The shadow was cast on the opposite side of the room. It reminded me right away of a barred up window, like they have prison. The thick dark lines criss crossing, trying to keep something out, or maybe something in. These dark lines, perpendicular to each other on the wall, are keeping something in my room but what is it? What do I have in this room when I wake up that I lose as soon as I leave it? Every time I am in Emily Lowe or around other people in my major, I am different. I am not the same Tanner that woke up this morning. There is something different about me. But what is it? I continually doubt myself. I allow myself to be taken advantage of by others. I feel lost sometimes. What am I doing in this major? Everyone has so much talent and I feel like I can just keep up! Those shadow bars in my room, they are keeping something in. I think it is a combination of my confidence and common sense. They entrap it and I am forced to face life without either of them. I love my work though. I know that theater is my life and I could not see myself anywhere else. So I build up myself, to be better. I commend myself on the things that I have and work to gain the things that I don’t have. I stop listening to others mean comments and focus just on those who give their criticism, the ones who want me to succeed as I want them to succeed as well. This business is a tricky one. I need to file out the ones who wish to get ahead by destroying me and instead work with those who want to get ahead by working off of each other. It is up to me to create a new sense of pride and confidence. Even though it is locked in my room, doesn’t mean I never possessed the skills. I am Taylor Tanner Jefferson Alvarez Alcatraz and I am here to be the best damn director I can be!…….You know after reading this, I see why my friends call me Tanner ALCATRAZ.